I Don't Wanna Die Without Any Scars
by Pickles for President
Summary: (― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club) Hellsing has been massacred, and Integra hires the Family Business to be her personal guard. But there's a certain self-obsessed vampire servant that tries to make their lives as difficult as possible. (just me inserting the Homestucks into Hellsing for fun; follows the story line of Hellsing Ultimate) (i am motivated solely by reviews)
1. The Family Business

Dirk Strider was a professional. He would get hired, he would kill vampires, he would get paid, and then the process would repeat. In his very limited free time, he honed his abilities.

Being a vampire hunter was the Strider/Lalonde family business. Dirk, his younger brother Dave, and his cousins, Roxy and Rose, had been trained to kill vampires since they were young. The Striders specialized in swords and hand-to-hand combat, where as the Lalondes used ranged tactics. Though, out of the two Lalonde sisters, Rose was the one that used the dark arts. Yup, that's right. Rose was a motherfucking witch.

It was an ordinary morning, with the older of the two Striders getting on his laptop and checking out his emails. He looked through the emails and nothing catched his interest. A few cases were here and there, but none of them seemed to be challenging enough for the family. He sighed, closing the laptop before he crawled out of bed.

He grabbed his sword when he heard a knock on the apartment door. Slowly making his way towards the peephole, he glanced out the glass. In front of him stood two men wearing black suits and glasses. They flashed a familiar badge to the peephole.

He didn't lower his sword as he opened the door. The two men walked into the apartment and glanced around. Running a hand through his orange-blond hair, Dirk said, "Lemme go get Dave." It didn't take much to wake the other sibling. He had jumped out of bed at the very light knock on his door.

After the duo had sat down in their assigned chairs and forced their 'guests' onto the couch, Dave finally asked, "So, what can the Striders do for you, the oh-so great and powerful Hellsing Organization?" He smirked and crossed his arms. "If I remember correctly, you guys said that you didn't work with, oh, what did you say? 'American lunatics?'" Dirk laced his fingers together, sword resting across his lap.

"The manor was…" They looked between themselves, and the senior of the two took his sunglasses off. He stared at younger of the two, desperation in his eyes. "Sir, Hellsing was under attack less than a week ago. Ninety-six armed guards died to ghouls. Two vampires were sent to kill Sir Integra and the vampire Alucard. They obviously failed, but they left us with one piece of information: Millenium."

Dirk blinked behind his glasses, but kept his poker face nonetheless, "Millenium?" He knew he had heard the name before, but he couldn't quite place it in his memory.

The younger smirked slightly, "Millenium, huh? Well, that tells us nothing. Why does Sir Integra need our help if she only has one piece of info?" He leaned forward in his seat, gripping the armrests of the chair tightly. His shaggy hair fell in front of his sunglasses and casted a dark shadow over his face. "I mean, unless she wants to ask us 'American lunatics' for help. There's no harm in fixing what her father broke all that time ago."

The men stiffened, the senior replacing his glasses over his eyes. He inhaled through his nose, "Sir Integra wanted us to give you this." He pulled an important looking letter out of the inside of his blazer, handing it to Dirk. He accepted it and examined the wax seal keeping it closed. Embedded in the red wax was the Hellsing emblem. He nearly smirked; so, they really did need their help. This was official shit. "She also wants us to request the aid of both the Strider brothers and the Lalonde sisters."

"So this will be a family job?" the older asked carefully. "We haven't one in ages, so we'd need time to get prepared." He opened the envelope of the letter, being especially careful to save the wax seal. He would add it to his collection of odd trinkets from his assorted jobs. From behind his glasses, his eyes scanned the letter quickly, absorbing as much information as possible. He couldn't help but snort at the round about way she asked for help.

The Family Business, as they had become known among the vampire hunter community, were famous for their ruthlessness, which compared with Hellsing's. Where the two differed was that as long as the Strilonds got paid for their work, they got everything done quickly and secretly, not drawing much attention to their kills.

She had written the letter quickly if the sloppy, loopy letters had anything to say about it. And it was handwritten by the leader. Dirk snorted again; Hellsing was desperate enough to come to them for help.

The older handed the younger the parchment. He laughed slightly, "She just doesn't know how to say please." Dave folded the letter and placed it on the coffee table that separated the chairs from the couch. "Well, if she just needs us for protection detail, I guess we can. As long as she understands that we'll be fighting by our rules, not hers."

Dirk nodded, "We don't do well when people give us limitations for our jobs." He jutted his chin in the direction of the letter. "It says she needs us to help with training a group of hired mercs. Was Hellsing unable to get the government to supply more mindless idiots?" The younger suit swallowed, turning his head away from the brother duo.

Dave smirked and looked at his brother, who could almost immediately tell what he was thinking. 'So they were denied more soldiers, huh, big bro?' Dirk gave his sibling a pointed look, but he just brushed it off with a sigh.

"Will you take the job?" the senior asked. The junior kept his head turned away. Once again, the brother duo stared at one another.

"Should we give Roxs and Rosie a call or do you think they'll be chill with this?" Dave shrugged his shoulders and sighed, "I mean, personally, big bro, I think they'll be fine with it. They've been dyin' for a job since they annihilated the last freak."

Dirk lifted his sword up before he stabbed it through the ground. The suits visibly stiffened. Standing up, the sunglass-wearing man said monotonically, "We take it. How long before we leave?"

"Sir Integra asked for you to be there as soon as possible." The junior had finally spoken, but his voice was shaking. Dirk could tell he was intimidated by them; with right reason, too. The family was one of the most deadly.

"I'm assuming there's a private jet at the ready?"

"Who do you think you are!?" the senior asked in a combination of astonishment and anger.

Dirk whipped his head to stare at the senior, "I am Dirk motherfucking Strider, current leader of the Family Business. I am the slaughterer of hundreds, the savior of thousands, one of the four feared lights of the darkness. All I ask is that there be a jet at the ready so I might be able to more efficiently do my job; the one you just bestowed upon me." He gripped the hilt of his sword and pulled it from the floorboards. "Now, if you'll excuse us, Dave and I have to pack and enlighten the other two members." He pointed the edge of the sword at a notepad on the wall. "Write your number down there. I will call you when we are ready to leave. If you would be so kind as to leave after this, that would be fantastic. I don't appreciate trash in my apartment."

He didn't bother to look back at the suits; the sound of shuffling across the floor was enough to ease his anger. He hated when people questioned him. If they had the balls to ask him for help, they needed to know what came with hiring him.

Dave two-finger saluted the men, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." When the men were gone, he whistled loudly. "Haven't seen you that pissed in a while, bro." Dirk merely grunted in response, picking up his phone from where it laid on the table. He unlocked it and selected a familiar number. The younger merely walked towards his room.

"Rocky, uh, Roxy speaking~!" He angled his shoulder and neck so that he could support the phone while he packed. It was an easy process, packing the necessary clothing. He had done it a hundred times before.

"Roxy, we have a job." The girl giggled loudly. "Have you been drinking again?" Again, she giggled. "I thought we've gone through this once. No drinking. Ever again."

"Nah, I just took a swag, swig of Rosie's juice! I tink, think it was juice, at least." He opened up another duffle bag, nodding when he saw all the necessities for vampire hunting were there. "I mean, awesome though! A jorb, job is fantastic. Rose and I were gettin' boooored."

There was some fussing with the phone, but soon a calmer voice said, "A job, Dirk? Where exactly would this be at?"

"Hellsing."

"Hellsing?"

He sighed when the sound of something clattering to the ground came from the next room. "Ah! Get the fuck out, crow!" There was cawing, and then more clattering, until he heard a window slam shut. "Caw caw, motherfucker, stay the hell out!"

Rose sniggered, "The crows are attacking Dave again, dearest Dirk. You can brief Roxy and I after we pack and we're on our way over to the UK. For now, we shall pack…" After a moment of silence, she said knowingly, "I assume there is a jet?"

"I made sure of that. What kind of leader would I be if I didn't get the best for us?"

"So there wasn't one originally."

"Integra seriously underestimates the boy she thinks she remembers. It might've been sixteen years since we've last seen one another, but I'm not the same little boy I was back then." The girl laughed lightly. "To think I used to have a crush on her, back when our parents took us over to England."

"Has it really been sixteen years since we've last seen-Roxy, this is a job, not a strip club. Put that skirt back." She sighed, "I need to be going, Dirk. Roxy thinks she can pack for herself, which she has just proven she can't."

"Make sure to bring everything for hunting."

"Yes, mother dear." He could almost hear that sarcastic smile in her voice. "We'll be over in roughly an hour." With that, she hung up. Dirk zipped up the duffel bag and walked out to his chair.

He wondered if he said too much. Not many people knew about the four lights of the darkness. Honestly, he doubted Integra even knew of the name bestowed upon the four members of their small family.

For the first time in what felt like whatever, he removed the triangular sunglasses from his face. His eyelids fluttered to get used to the light of the room, and he looked around while squinting. Sometimes, he needed to remove his glasses. Remind himself that he was more than a vampire hunter; that he was still a human.

After his moment, he put the glasses back on.


	2. Four Lights

The plane ride to the UK was uneventful. Rose had had the situation explained to her in clear detail from her eldest cousin; Hellsing had been attacked and Integra wanted the Family Business to help protect the manor. Honestly, she knew that there was something big brewing in England. The voices told her something deadly was going to unfold.

She knew Integra probably felt it, too. The woman had always had a keen disposition, if she remembered correctly. Though, she found her memory a little cloudy. She chalked it up to the fact that she had only been four at the time.

The group descended the steps of the jet, standing on the asphalt in a huddle of bodies and bags. They never placed their bags in cargo holds, for fear of someone sneaking around and finding everything they hid so well.

Rose smirked slightly when she saw the group of suits standing behind a fence. They looked at her family, obviously intimidated by the young vampire hunters. She had read the letter. Ten staff members survived the attack, two being Integra and her butler. If all that she had left were these cowards, it was no wonder everyone died.

The tallest one, a man with greying black hair, approached them. He extended a hand to the eldest of the group, "Dirk Strider, I'm assuming." The strawberry blond nodded, not bothering to greet the man. Nonetheless, the man continued. "Sir Integra has been waiting to see you." Rose smiled knowingly as a few voices laughed at the man. Of course she had been waiting to see them.

Dave leaned over and whispered, "Well aren't they classy." She snickered, picking her suitcase off the ground and heaving it over her shoulder. He grinned at her. "I hope they have tea ready," he mimicked in a high voice.

She played along, "Yes, tea would be nice." Her senses immediately heightened when she felt a foreboding presence. She pushed some of her blonde bangs out of her eyes, staring at the older gentleman that had appeared among the guards. "Butler's here."

The Striders had heard her, shooting their heads up to stare at the man. He slid through the guards and walked towards them. "That's enough, Jackson." The man backed off, scooting to the side for him. He bowed, almost forming a perfect ninety degree angle. "Pleasure to meet you. I am Hellsing's butler, Walter C. Dornez."

Roxy hiccupped and tilted her head, "You mean the Angle, Angel of Death Walter C. Dornez?" He smiled darkly at the name. Her eyes went wide as she smiled in awe, hands clasping together. "Oh mang, guys, we're in front of vampire slayin' royalty!"

"I've never met a famous vampire hunter in person." Rose's voices were telling her to be wary, but she had to admit she was impressed with the old man. He was a legend among young hunters. At one point in her twenty years, Rose had wanted to fight the same way he had, to become just as skilled as he was. Pressing her right hand against her smile, she looked into the man's purple eyes. He stared back, almost as if he was picking her apart for weaknesses.

The butler stood up straight after a few seconds. "I'll have to ask you to ignore the damage done to Hellsing when we arrive. We _are_ still fixing it up after the incident." She nearly laughed at how casual he sounded; like they were fixing up a water pipe, not a manor full of holes. He scanned his eyes across the four before he turned on his heel. "The Wild Geese have already arrived. We just need to get through introductions when we get there."

"'The Wild Geese?'" Dirk shoved his bags over his shoulder and led the family after the butler. Walter turned to stare at the man. Sighing, he said, "That merc group that's gotten a little attention for being decent at what they do. You hired _them_?"

"Yes, sir. They're reliable as long as they're paid. Similar to the Family Business; you fight vampires for money, they fight people for money." Crossing his arms, Dirk glared into the back of his head. "They're crude, unorthodox, rude, and perverse, but they were more than qualified with the skills they have shown on the battlefield."

Dave sighed, "And you want us to train them to kill vampires."

"If that's not too much, sir. They're already trained to kill humans; it's not much harder to train them against vampires."

"That's, like, _uber_ offensive Mister Angel of Deaf, Death," Roxy said. "We've been trainin' to kill vampires _all_ our life, and you think it's really easy to just, like, give them some knowledge and be, like, 'here's some stuff, go kill some vampires with it.' It takes a _lot_ of practice to get to the skill we're at." She lowered her head, glaring through her bangs. "I'm _super _offended, Mister Butler."

The filed through the building, ignoring the stares they received from a few people. Walter smiled back at her, "I didn't mean to offend you, Miss Roxy." At the formal tone, she smiled brightly, "I meant that it should be easy for them to pick up on the basics; they're going to have to gain the skills to kill vampires themselves."

She clapped loudly as they left the building. "Ah, tanks for clarifying, ! Er, thanks." They didn't freeze at the sight of a classic Rolls-Royce pulled up to the entrance. He simply opened the door, allowing the four of them to climb in before getting in the passenger seat. Her pink eyes sparkled when she saw the front, "Oh. My. _God!_ Rosie! They really do drive on the wrong side of the road! OMG!"

Rose smiled and leaned into her seat, suitcase on her lap. As the car started, she undid the latches and pulled out a ball of yarn and her knitting needles. Dave shuddered, "Keep your wands in your bag. I don't want to get electrocuted for nothing again." She looked at him mischieviously, pointing one of the striped needles in his direction. He held his hands in front of him, as if bracing for an attack.

"Oh, come now, cousin, do you honestly think I'd waste my time on you?" She tilted her head, sending him that I-know-something-you-don't-know smile. He frowned and leaned towards his duffel bag.

Compared to Dirk, Dave was the lighter traveler of the two brothers, only having one bag.

He pulled out a knife, pointing it at her. "I'll stab you if you try." She rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, Dirk sighed loudly, and Roxy giggled to herself. The elder of the two boys grabbed Dave's wrist. The brothers stared at each other, almost as if exchanging thoughts without speaking. The aviator-wearing one looked back at her. "I'm sorry. I won't stab you. I'll just be super pissed."

"Please refrain from getting blood in the car. This is Sir Integra's favorite."

"How is our dear Sir Integra?"

He never answered.

The rest of the ride was silent. Even when they pulled past the guarded gate and saw the looming mansion in front of them, they remained silent (though Roxy's jaw fell open). They had to regain their professional atmosphere, and silence was key.

The car pulled to a stop in front of the house, and before Walter could even say 'we've arrived,' the door was flung open and the four of them were marching to the house, bags in hand. The older siblings could remember the layout of the manor better than the younger, so they led the way to Arthur's office. Or, in this case, Integra's.

Dirk turned to the group before he opened the door. "No matter what she says, do not look angry. She'll feed off of it." The three nodded. Roxy took one handle, and he took the other. Slowly, they opened the door.

"You've arrived." They all stared at the blonde that stood in front of a large desk, steel blue eyes scanning over them. She remained poker faced, but said teasingly, "So you're back again, Dirk Strider." Rose could see their leader tense, but he forced his shoulders to relax. Integra tilted her head, "And in no better condition you were sixteen years ago."

"Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing." He didn't bother to bow, like the butler had done when he approached them. Instead, he walked straight towards her. He extended his hand to her, "You're still as rude as you were sixteen years ago." She accepted his hand, delivering a firm handshake.

"And the younger three. They're in fighting condition?"

"Like, look, lady, you're the one that hired _us _to fight for ya. I think you should know that we are."

"Dave, show her respect." Dirk turned and snapped at him, "She employed us, and you will give her the respect of calling her by her chosen title." The younger brother grumbled and rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry."

"I expect such attitudes from you four." She looked at the man and said, "Remove your glasses." Begrudgingly, he did as she said. He wasn't about to fight his new boss. Once his bright orange eyes were revealed, she smiled darkly. "So, my guess was right. Your eyes have only gotten brighter."

"It's not like I chose for them to get this way."

Integra looked over his shoulder, "David Strider-"

"It's Dave, Sir Integra," he spat.

"-remove your glasses as well." The younger looked at the older, who nodded and motioned for him to take them off. It was a signal. She understood that they were still human beneath it all. Slowly, he slid the aviators off his face. Cherry red eyes stared at her from beneath strawberry bangs. She walked towards the other three. "Stand with them, Dirk." He took his place at the front of the line.

Her eyes scanned over the group, and she crossed her arms behind her back. "From today on, you shall be employed by the Hellsing Organization. You shall be taking orders from me, and only from me. You are no longer identifying as the Family Business. You are Hellsing's Four Lights." Dirk stiffened. They had told her about the four lights of the darkness. He knew he said too much. "You may replace your glasses." The brothers did as such. "Pink, red, purple and orange. Those are your colors, and if someone addresses you as such, you will answer to it." She turned to Roxy, "Pink, you bring up the rear. Purple, on my right; Red, on my left. Orange shall lead me to the waiting room."

Almost in unison, the four answered, "Sir, yes sir!" It was a reflex they had developed from working with one too many demanding employers. It seemed to please her, though, for she smiled knowingly.

The four of the walked in step, creating a box around her. Even if they had no weapons, they were prepared for anything; their senses were upped because they were in a slightly unfamiliar setting.

Rose whipped her head around at a small 'woosh' sound. All she caught was red receding into the wall. She tilted her head to the side, but nonetheless kept walking. Her leader led the five of them to a room filled with men in army gear. The four of them filed into the room, earning a few curious glances. A few men whistled at the sisters, but they remained emotionless.

Integra stepped in behind the four, forcing them to part. "It's true," she said simply. "The enemies are immortal creatures who sustain themselves by drinking human blood. Your job, gentlemen, is to fight these monsters with bullets, garlic and holy water. Put a stake through its heart, cut off its head, burn the corpse, scatter the ashes at a crossroads." She looked up, smirking, "For further instructions, contact Bram Stoker."

"That's just ridiculous."

"Everybody knows there's no such thing as vampires!"

Dirk looked up, having sensed another presence in the room. Rose had caught it as well and she looked to the side. There stood a vampire in Hellsing's uniform. It was a friendly looking girl, but she reeked of something deadlier. Something unnatural.

"Then everyone is quite mistaken. Or, more accurately, we've helped them maintain a state of blissful ignorance. For over a century, the Hellsing Organization has helped the British empire, fighting a secret war against the forces of darkness. The vampire in particular. For those of you that still need convincing." She pointed where the girl stood. "I present to you, a genuine vampire."

A man (Rose assumed it was their leader, from the aura he presented) stood up, grunting a couple 'oh no's and walking over to her. "Just hold on, you, you are really a vampire?" She caught his French accent. The leader was French? But the other two were painfully American… The Wild Geese was a hodgepodge of people, she realized.

The girl smiled up at him, "Um, yes. I am. Hello!" She smiled nervously, and the four stiffened when they saw the gleam of vampire fangs. A mental message seemed to flow through them, '_She wears a Hellsing uniform, but be prepared to engage if she turns hostile towards Sir Integra._' The room erupted into laughter, and the blonde girl pointed at them. "I get the feeling that they're laughing at me, sir."

"Then show them something to make them stop, police girl."

"Sir! Right of course, sir!" She snapped, "Alright then, come on!"

The man stared at her for a few moments before laughing again, "If this is supposed to be a vampire, then I'm Frankenstein's monster!" He approached the girl in a monster-like pose, only to be shot back when she flicked him in the face. She flicked him three more times, and he flew back to the ground, blood dripping from his face.

The family couldn't help it; they snorted and laughed at how quickly the man had been beaten. He seriously underestimated the power of a vampire. The soldiers looked at them in shock before one yelled out, "Captain!"

"She's like some sort of monster!" he cried. "She kept poking me with the-it happened so fast, and my head was just-I don't believe it. You're really telling me that that girl is a vampire?"

The Four Lights felt the presence before it stepped foot in the room. Rose stood in front of the others, since she was the only one able to fight properly, though the others stood in a protective way around Integra. Even without her needles, she could generate enough power to fight. Black mist surrounded her hands like a fire, and her eyes had gone from purple to white. Her own consciousness was gone, replaced by the want to destroy. It was the same feeling she had felt when their guardian was killed.

"Damn right she is." The body materialized through the wall, and she attempted to fire the black fire towards him. Integra caught her arm, and the head poked through the painting. "The police girl may be the lowest of the low, but a vampire is still a vampire." With her other hand, she shot the black fire at the man. His face was scorched for a second, but it healed in no time. He turned to look at the family. "So they're not all a bunch of sniveling cowards. Maybe they'll be of some use to us."

"Rose." She heard the voice as clear as she heard the voices in her head. A hand landed on her forearm. "Oh, Rosie~! It's time to come back! The big, red man is a _good _guy, I tink, think!" At the sound of her sister's voice, her vision had returned and the flames had disappeared from around her hands.

"So she has magic. A witch." The man grinned evilly, staring at the girl before looking at his master. "You hired a witch and fighters, then hired guard dogs on top of that?"

"My deepest apologies, ma'am. I did try to stop him." Walter ran into the room.

"These men are going to be guarding me while I sleep. I wanted to take their measure…" He looked at the family. "Though these four seem to be almost decent enough."

Dave grit his teeth, trying to refrain from yelling a loud 'bite me, asshole!'

"Now that introductions are over," Walter pulled a letter from out of (seemingly) no where, "A most unusual letter arrived in the post today."

Integra took the envelope, "What sort of letter?" She flipped it over, "From Vatican Special Operations Division Thirteen. The Iscariot Organization. Enrico Maxwell." Her face became increasingly more angry as she opened up and read over the letter. She turned and walked off after awhile. "Dirk, Rose, with me. Dave and Roxy, have Walter show you to your rooms. And take their bags with you." Rose and Dirk handed their bags off to the others, following the seething Integra towards her office. "He wants to meet with me to exchange valuable information," she angrily muttered.

Dirk remained silent as she stalked through the manor. Rose couldn't help but think that it was no wonder she was angry; the Vatican versus the Protestant church. She almost smiled when a voice said snottily, '_It's like a pissing competition._'


End file.
